Martin Roberts

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What camping gear would make life on site easier and better? We asked columnist and TV star Martin Roberts and he let his imagination run wild!

With the main caravanning season upon us, I thought it might be time for me to suggest my top 10 ‘must have’ caravan accessories, items of camping equipment and campsite enhancements for 2016.

1. Auto Docking

With this innovative system, you simply pull up at the check-in and attach your van to a motorised robot that perfectly guides it to, and positions it on, your allocated pitch. Perfect, hassle-free pitching.

2. Inflatable Bubble Anti-Bug Envelope

Simply pull a cord and a dome of bug-proof micro-material completely engulfs your tourer. No more pesky buzzy things on a warm summer’s evening for you!

3. Memory-Foam Flooring

Instead of shallow-pile carpet, this system cushions your every footstep in cradling comfort. An optional massaging version is also available.

4. Sound-Deadening Roof Sponge

This clever covering eliminates the tympanic cacophony that aurally assaults the occupants of any caravan during heavy downpours – and it wouldn't be the Great British summer without a few of them, would it?

5. Toilet Composter

No more trips to the chemical toilet-emptying station! Oh no, this magical and slightly sinister canister contains ravenous rainforest-sourced excrement-chomping beetles that end the need for continual emptying of the loo. Just don’t EVER open the cassette…

6. Push-Button Auto Awning Erection Contraption (or PBAAEC for short)

Is there anyone who enjoys the mind-numbing and intellectually challenging task of putting up a caravan awning? Of course not! The snappily-named PBAAEC effortlessly erects and packs away your awning in any weather. The optional dryer attachment means that mildew is a thing of the past, too.

7. ‘Really’ Instant Barbecue

This culinary beauty immediately reaches an optimum cooking temperature, and perfectly and automatically roasts a wide variety of meats, fish, chicken, burgers and sausages without you first needing to gain a PhD in food science. There’ll be no more burnt on the outside, frozen on the inside moments for you!

8. Telescopic TV and Telecommunications Booster Aerial

This mother of all aerial masts extends to more than 100ft and guarantees perfect television and mobile-phone reception, plus lightning-speed internet coverage within a 50-metre radius of the van. It comes complete with an anti-aircraft blinking light and optional festive fairy.

9. The Ice-O-Matic

A miniature ice-making machine that can create party-sized quantities of ice cubes at the touch of a button, or freeze a variety of foodstuffs in an instant.

10. The Vacu-u-Bed

All you have to do is push a button, and all of your bedding (pillows, sheets and duvets) is sucked into a small receptacle where it remains, vacuum-packed, until next needed. When it’s called for, simply switch the Vacu-u-Bed into reverse and the bedding is regurgitated, reconstituted and tucked perfectly around the mattress. Hey presto! No more fitting-the-duvet fights.

All of these products are available now, via mail-order only, from IReallyWishItWasSo Ltd, PO Box 8-8-16, Greater Gullible, Essex.

Visit Martin’s website for information about him, his books and his property training weekends, and follow his adventures on Twitter.
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