Martin Roberts

See other Blog articles filed in ‘Martin Roberts' "My home from home"’ written by Martin Roberts
Enjoy a light-hearted blog on the serious subject of caravan security, brought to you by Practical Caravan columnist and TV presenter Martin Roberts

Following the disturbing news that thefts of caravans rose a whopping 20% in 2015, I have decided that drastic measures are called for to ensure that no thieving blighter gets his (or her) hands on my pride and joy.

Assuming such fiendish cads are unlikely to be readers of Practical Caravan, I shall share most (but not all, just in case) of my home-devised anti-theft armoury with you.

Starting from the outside in. First, I have traded in our docile golden retrievers for something more… what’s the word…? Oh yes…illegal. The aptly named ‘Fang’ is a Mongolian Staffordshire Bengal Scorpion Poison Dart Frog cross, that simultaneously bites and stings, and kills if stroked. He lives in a moat I’ve dug that encircles the caravan, that’s also filled with piranha for good measure.

Next, I’ve planted a hedge of fast-growing, spiky Green Barbary, Darwinii Berberis, Blackthorn and Holly. These have been genetically modified to increase the thorn-to-leaf ratio considerably. A liberal dose of Miracle Grow Extra has reduced the growth period to a few weeks rather than months.

Should the mauled, poisoned and recently-scratched assailant continue their efforts, they will encounter an electrified, barbed and razor-wire fence. I’ve modified some of those solar-powered garden lights, with the help of my son’s electronics kit, and added in a three-phase-415-kilo-volt-amp-2000-joules-per-square-inch-uranium-powered generator that a mate of mine, who’s working on the new Vanguard-class nuclear submarines, found ‘lying around’ in the dockyard.

Another friend, who works for Rentokil, has been kindly collecting wasps’ nests from a variety of lofts over the past few months, and the buzzing and infuriated inhabitants are enclosed in a gossamer bubble that forms the next anaphylactic challenge for Johnny Robber.

By some miracle, should our devious, now heavily bitten, scratched, singed and stung fiend make it through to the caravan, they will be faced with one more final, nasty surprise. I’ve covered the entire caravan body in a mixture of goose grease phosphorescent dye, oven cleaner and vandal-proof paint.

And so it’s fair to say that I can now sleep safely at night. Alone in the guest bedroom, as it happens, following the blazing argument I and Mrs Roberts had when she ill-advisedly questioned how we were all going to gain access to our beloved van... Oops.

Visit Martin’s website for information about him, his books and his property training weekends, and follow his adventures on Twitter.
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